I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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