Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
