Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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