it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
