Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
