I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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