Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize