If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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