highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
