i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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