Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
