I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
