We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
