everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
