Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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