we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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