i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
