omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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