even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
