i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
