the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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