You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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