I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
