rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
