You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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