if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
