Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Everyone says I win the strip club
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
