My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
