We named our party play list daddy issues
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize