can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
