please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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