I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
