the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
