My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He passed out mid-signature
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize