I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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