my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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