I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You made out with two different species that night
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
