I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
