Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
