my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
