Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
