My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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