I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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