Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
