Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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