i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
