Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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