ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
