just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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