I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
