So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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