you would pick up someone in the library
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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