Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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