just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize