Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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