Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
