If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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