I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
