"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
