Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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