I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
